Buying Coffee
by Drone person
Summary: Mordecai and Rigby have to buy coffee. How hard could that be?


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Regular Show, or any of the characters in the cartoon. All Copyrighted material and Rights to Regular Show belong to Joel Gregory Quintel (Affiliation JG Quintel) and Cartoon Network Studios.**

**The use of names and/or characters that are non-fictional or copyrighted to anyone else in this story is purely coincidental and accidental.**

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><p><strong>Regular Show: Buying coffee<strong>

The morning sun dawned on the park and its denizens. Alarms, clocks, and any other appliances or natural noises were waking up all the groundskeepers who work there. They woke to the early morn and sluggishly made their way to the house's kitchen for some liquidized caffeine to keep them alert, to the best of its affects. They all gave a greeting filled yawn and sat down as Mordecai, the one who usually serves the coffee, turned on the brewer and began to search for some coffee beans and filters.

"Nauuuuh, is the coffee ready yet?" Rigby moaned, his head and arms stretched across the table.

"Dude, I just started the brewer, give me a minute." The blue jay was searching the cabinets, the pantries, the drawers, any place where the beans may be, but as he opened the last cupboard, he realized a shocking problem. "We don't have any coffee beans!"

Everyone gave an annoyed groan at the bad news. "Get some more than." Benson demanded the bird to do.

"What, aw come on, why me?"

"Because you two are more awake than we are."

"Uh, what is this 'us two' stuff?" Rigby questioned. "Sorry, but my butt planted itself on this chair and there's aine't no way it's moving!"

"Oh, it's gonna move, and it's gonna move with that guy's too, or you're fired!"

"Why do I have to go?"

"Because, even if I do send Mordecai, I still don't trust him without someone being with him."

"Wouldn't that work the other way? With Rigby going to get coffee and me going with him because you don't trust him?" Mordecai challenged Benson's logic.

The gumball machine looked at them with a surprised expression. He then slapped an uncounted amount of money in Rigby's hand and motioned him to get off the chair. "Just go with Mordecai to the store, now!"

With a groan and a sigh, the two slackers got up and proceeded to the golf cart, and drove off for their caffeine run.

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><p>The mini-mart's parking lot was packed with vehicles and no parking space in sight. They drove left, they drove right, they drove up, they drove down, and, this being a myth, somehow drove sideways, but to their misfortune, no space was available.<p>

"Do you see any place to park?" The raccoon passenger complained.

"Calm down, dude, there's gotta be a spot somewhere." The blue-jay reassured his friend. That is when a car's tail lights came alive with light, conveniently near the cart-driving-slackers. The car's tail lights soon turned white, backing up and giving the duo's hope of parking. That hope was whipped away as the driver parked his car back into position.

He exited the vehicle and proudly proclaimed: "Ah, now I can take comfort in the fact that my car is parked perfectly to the space's boundaries." He patted the roof of the vehicle and proceeded into the market.

Mordecai allowed his head to fall forward onto the steering wheel. "Arh, you know what, let's just park across the street." He drove the cart off to the direction of an empty field across the street. He drove it onto its lushes grass and stopped. Before they can even exit, a group of hippies nearby saw them and halted their actions immediately.

"Hey, bra, whaddaya think you're doing?" One of them asked.

"Uh…parking." Mordecai answered.

"On mother nature, bra? So not cool."

Mordecai took a look at his and Rigby's surroundings. "Dude, it's a field."

"Bra, you are so not getting how far nature's life can stretch. From the trees above to the tiniest little crack in the road! You get me, bra?"

"Dude, you're using that term wrong."

"What?"

"When you address some guy like that, you gotta say 'bro' because he's a dude. You only call a girl 'bra'."

"What?"

Mordecai was starting to become extremely annoyed. "Look, please, just let us park here?"

"No way, bra, you gotta park somewhere that's not on nature's body, okay?"

"Okay, fine! If I can't park here, there where can I, hm?" Mordecai asked in an angered tone.

"You can park over there." He pointed to a foot-deep ditch that was filled with murky water, possibly carrying all sorts of bacteria.

"You gotta kidding?"

"It's that, or we can call some official guys and get all constitutional on your butt's."

Mordecai stared at the hippy with an angered and annoyed expression. He groaned and drove the cart into the miniature quagmire, submerging three quarters of its wheels in the murky depths. He extended his leg for enough in order to reach the portion of road-side grass and ascend off the driver's seat. Rigby made a scurrying leap to the same area in order to avoid the muddy depths. "There, happy?"

The hippy gave him a double peace sign with his fingers. "Thanks for respecting nature, bra."

"It's 'bro', not 'bra'!"

"…What?"

"Uarh, forget it, c'mon dude, let's go." The two headed for a nearby cross walk a little way down the road. Mordecai pressed the button as the red, opened hand shined on the other side of the street.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Rigby asked his respectful friend.

"I'm waiting to cross the street."

"Why? There's no cars in sight. See? None." The raccoon spread his arms wide to emphasize his point.

"Dude, didn't you see that movie? Those two guys crossed the street without waiting for the cross walk sign, and some dirty cop pulled up at the last second and arrested them!"

"That was movie, dude! It was funny, but it was a movie!"

Mordecai gave annoyed sigh and submitted defeat. "Fine, we'll cross now."

"Hm-hm, thought so."

The bird proceeded across the pavement, making good way by the looks of it, and his furry companion following as well. He was only half-way across when a speeding car came and impacted him. He spun wildly in the air, Rigby staring in sheer horror. Mordecai fell to the ground hard, every bone in his body rattling and cracking. Rigby sprinted to his side.

"Mordecai! Mordecai! Are you alright?"

Mordecai gave a very painful moaned to his friend.

"Oh thank goodness, you're alright!" Rigby got up from his kneeling position. "Well, see ya inside." He walked off to the market, leaving his broken friend behind.

Mordecai could not believe what his friend was doing. He simply made sure that he was alive and walked away, making no attempt to call for help. It was an extremely painful experience, but Mordecai managed to get up from his spot on the ground and staggered to the store, every inch of his body sending waves of pain with every step. That is when the speeding car came back, the driver arising out of it and to Mordecai.

"Oh, sir, I am so sorry! I'm glad you're alright! I was late for an appointment and I had to hurry or else they would call the next person and I would have to wait, and—" He stopped in the middle of his sentence and knelt down to pick a small, bronze, circular object on the ground. "Holy crap, this is an authentic 1949 Wheat Straw Penny! Do you know how much this is worth? Sit down I'll tell ya!" He forced Mordecai down on the hood of his car, much to the blue jay's torment, and started his lengthy history lesson on the penny.

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><p>Inside the mini-mart, Mordecai, somehow, was able to get in, find a can of coffee beans, and was now waiting in line with his furry friend. "Thanks for the help, by the way." He said in a sarcastic tone.<p>

"Hey, you were fine, you were able to talk." Rigby responded.

"Dude, I was hit by a car! You didn't think, for one second, to call an ambulance? Or the police? Or anyone!"

"Dude, you were fine, look, you got inside here, didn't you?"

"No thanks to you!" He chose those words to be his final ones on the matter and ignored his friend from there on.

Rigby simply crossed his arms and stayed silent for the duration. He noticed something colorful to his right and saw something that made every part of his mind jolt with excitement. "Mr. Dodgers' Cotton Candy!" The raccoon scurried to the brightly colored bags of candy like a crazed kleptomaniac who eyed a very valuable object to steal.

Mordecai sighed at his friend's overreacting giddiness and moved up in the soon shortening line. He soon noticed a small tingle from his lower backside. "I get it Rigby, you're really glad to have the cotton candy, but I doubt Benson gave me enough money buy that too." He soon heard a long sniff and pleasurable sigh. "Dude, you're really that obsessed with that cott—" he whipped around to see a small hooded individual sniffing a red marker who then ran off. Mordecai was left with a quizzical expression as he heard his friend from behind.

"Dude, someone wrote something on your back!" Rigby was holding a jumble full of colorful bags in both his arms.

"What, aw crap, what does it say?"

"_I wrote on a bird. Take THAT society!_"

"What? Dude, keep our spot in line, I need to find something wet to wipe it off. Where is it on my back?"

"About close to your tail feathers."

Mordecai walked off to find someone who can direct him to a possible bathroom. Rigby was left there to hold down the fort in line. He then had a strange thought. "What am I doing with these? These are the altered flavors! If I truly wanna respect the genius that is Mr. Dodgers, I need to get the original!" He then left for another brand-marked bag that was clear, showing the contents of mixed pink and blue cotton candy. Coincidentally, both he and Mordecai made it back to the line at the same time, seeing that their place was now lost.

"Dude, what the heck!" Mordecai interrogated his naïve friend.

"Hey, I needed to get Mr. Dodgers' original cotton candy, I didn't wanna have that altered flavor crap!"

"Aurh, why me? Okay, fine let's just go to the back of the line. AGAIN." Mordecai was now becoming very annoyed by everything that was happening since this point. All he wanted now was nothing more but to pay for the coffee and leave.

Now in the back of the line, Rigby felt a firm grip of hands wrap around his neck as he was being strangled by an unseen assailant.

"Dude, I told you eating that candy too fast is dangerous." Mordecai looked back and saw that his friend was actually being strangled by someone. He immediately launched himself at the assailant and pinned on the ground. "What the 'H', man? Why were you strangling him?" He got up, allowing the other person to rise as well.

"I'm sorry," the assailant spoke, "I have this dreadful disorder that makes me wanna strangle the person closest next to me. I've been taking sessions and medication, but lately the urges kept growing stronger and—" He stared at the blue-jay for a moment, then proceeded to strangle him too. "Come on, choke! I wanna hear ya choke!"

Rigby let go of his candy goody bags and beset himself upon the back of the man's head, scratching at it in order to cease his actions. "Dude, step off my friend!"

The man grabbed hold of Rigby and threw him to the ground. He soon regained his sanity and apologized once more. "Sirs, I am so deeply sorry for—" He stopped again and eyed a person walking by from outside. "Hey, you, Get over here!" He ran out the store, never to be seen again, until a reality forensics TV show features him.

Both groundskeepers recovered from their attack and got up from their resting positions.

"That was insane," Said Mordecai as he rubbed his neck, "at least it's over." He saw that their spot in line was taken again! "Are you kidding me? That was our spot!"

One of the men in line responded to the remark. "WAS your spot, but you left it unattended."

"Hey man, we were just attacked by some crazy guy, shouldn't we at least have the spot behind you?" Rigby complained.

"Store Line Rules: if you leave your spot without anyone keeping it for you, it can be rightfully taken." The man pulled a small pocket book, "It's all here in the General Store Code of Conduct."

Mordecai would have complained, but he knew it would be in vain. He simply took Rigby and headed to the back of the line once again. He was next to a kind teenage female, who was at a table giving free samples of some type of meat.

"Free sample, sir?" She asked politely.

Mordecai shrugged and decided to try out the product that was being advertised. He took a bite of the meat on the toothpick, taking in its pleasurable taste and smell. "Woah, this is cool! What is it?"

"It's Canadian Turkey marinated in a special honey mustard sauce." She replied as she picked up a box of the product. "It's easy to make and easy to 'gobble' down." She gave a slight frown. "Sorry about that bad joke, I'm paid to say it."

Mordecai expression soon grew in horror. "What kind of sauce did they put in it?"

"Honey mustard."

"I'm allergic to hon…ey-ack-ack-aaaccckkkkk!" Mordecai's eyes went bloodshot as he collapsed on the floor, his lungs swelling up, closing the off a path for oxygen to get in.

The teenager went around the table and knelt down near him. "Oh crap! Quick, someone call 911!"

Rigby soon realized what was happening. "Hang on, I got his epipen!" Rigby reached into his fur pockets, furiously trying to find the injection device that would save his friend's life. He found it, but in his panic, juggled it clumsily in his hands. It flew right into the basket of a baby carriage. The infant inside grabbed onto the small device, mistaking it for a toy, as Rigby came up in order to grab it away. "Come on, little guy, give Rigby the pen thing. NOW!" The baby slapped the raccoon's hand with the strength of ten men, nearly breaking it. "Gah! Lady, do something about your baby! I need that thing he has!"

The woman in question was watching the ordeal and attempted to grab the epipen away from the infant. The baby cried and tugged the injector away for his mother's hand, having no interest in letting go. "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but once Henry grabs something he likes, he doesn't wanna let go of it."

"Oh yeah?" Rigby attempted to grab the injector again, but Henry grabbed into his wrist and was able to toss him into a mountain of stacked cans like a ragdoll. He then played with the injector for the bit, soon growing tired of it, and throwing it out of his carriage and conveniently next to Mordecai.

He struggled a bit before he finally grabbed hold of the injection device, took off the safety cap, and stabbed the needle into his thigh. Rich oxygen filled his lungs as he started to breathe steadily after surviving his near-death experience. "Whew…great job…Rigby." He gave a thumb up to his pain-filled friend who returned the praise with his own thumb up. They recovered from the ordeal and regrouped, only to find their place in line taken once more! Mordecai gave a sudden twitch and proceeded to the back of the line, his expression being a mix of annoyance and anger, causing his left eye to twitch a bit.

"Uh, you alright, Mordecai?" Rigby hesitantly asked.

"I'm not going to do anything anymore, Rigby," he said in a shaky tone that told him that he was about have his last nerve break. "I'm not gonna say anything, I'm not gonna interact with anything, I'm just going to stand in line and move forward whenever the line does. You should do the same."

Rigby did not dare question his friend, he simply followed his advice and waited in line. The line was moving forward at a considerable rate, not much else going wrong. That is when a small child in a cowboy outfit with a foam sword started to hit it against Mordecai's side. "Uh, Mordecai,"

"Ignore it." The blue jay quickly said. The child was still hitting Mordecai, even when the line progressed.

"Dude, seriously, you're just gonna let that kid hit you with his sword?"

"He's not hurting anybody dude. Leave him alone."

"But—"

"Leave. Him. A-lone." Mordecai would not tolerate any other distractions and refused to even acknowledge the fact that he was being annoyingly smacked by a child's toy. Rigby, however, found this insulting to his friend.

"Hey, kid, you mind, you know, not hitting my friend with that thing?" The child looked at Rigby with a quizzical expression. Then went right back to hitting Mordecai. "Kid, seriously, he probably hate's that."

"No I don't."

The child continued to hit his foam toy at Mordecai's side, and Rigby was starting to become ticked off. "Look, kid, he seriously doesn't like that, so stop!"

The child turned to the raccoon. Rigby gauged his age, at this moment, to be somewhere around five or six. "You're funny looking." The child said.

"Yeah, I'm a raccoon, so I guess I'd be funny looking. Look—"

"How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-three, now—"

"But you're big as me?"

"I'm a raccoon, I'm supposed to be small, can you just—"

"I thiiiink you're lying!" The child said with a giddy attitude. "You probably have no friends, 'cause you lie a lot."

"I have a friend! That's him you're whacking your cheap, dollar store toy at!"

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" The child sang mockingly and bumped Rigby's nose with his sword.

"Kid, seriously, this is getting annoying! Stop hitting people with that thing!"

"Excuse me, but what are you doing?" A woman from behind asked, looking to be the child's mother.

"Finally! Ma'am, your son's hitting me and my friend with that little sword of his, and it's getting annoying!" Rigby said, as the child hit the back of his head with the sword. "Don't do that."

"I'm sorry, but I don't think YOU have jurisdiction over what my son can and can't do with his toys, he's just playing." The mother firmly said.

"Don't you think him playing is irritating other people?" He complained as the child gave another blow. "Kid, for real this time, don't do that!"

"My son has the right to do whatever he wants with that sword, and you don't have any right to say otherwise!"

"He's annoying people, look at him!" Rigby said again, as the child gave another hit. "That's it! Give me that cheap crap!" Rigby tried to grab the sword but the child tripped him, and pinned him to the ground, pounding his fist against the raccoon's head, which was proving quite effective.

"Oh my goodness! Someone help this 'fiend' is attacking my son!" The mother wailed.

"Lady, are you-OW-insane? Your-GAH-son's the one attacking me-GAYOAH!" Rigby was speaking in between fists and painful yelps.

Mordecai finally realized what was happening and, despite his oath to not do anything, interfered, which instead, landed him in the same situation Rigby was in: pinned down and being beaten by a five to six year old.

"Oh lord, someone call the police! These men a ganging up on my son!" Mother yelled again as she fainted into bystander's arms. Someone obviously heard the plea for help, because moments later two uniformed police officers burst through the doors and apprehended the two 'attackers'.

"Wait, we didn't do anything! The kid attacked us!" Rigby pleaded in vain.

"Quiet, you scum!" The officer arresting the raccoon barked as he forced him against a wall. "You kind of people make me sick! Ganging up on a poor kid like that! Tell me, do you think HE deserved your punishment?" He pointed the raccoon's head to the child.

"Can you tase them, officer?" The child asked eagerly.

"Well sure, Billy." The other officer replied.

"Bobby."

"Gary? Oh, never mind." The officer took out his taser gun and pointed the red laser dot at Rigby's chest. The two hooks shot out and dug into the furry victim's skin, delivering a 700 kilowatt jolt.

"Dude, you can't do that! That's police brutali—uh oh!" Mordecai began, but soon found that the officer took out the wires connected to the taser, and tased Mordecai manually. The duo fell to the floor, disorientated by the shocks. The crowd in the store gave a great up roar of congratulations to the officers for subduing the 'violent attackers' and the store owner gave them both a one-hundred dollar gift card for their so-called success. As this happened, the two friends soon lost consciousness.

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><p>At the holding cell at the local police station the two friends stayed there, seeing an interesting character who enjoyed pyrotechnics. This character tried to throw a live fire cracker he had hidden at the two, nearly causing a fire to start since Mordecai's feathers turned out to be highly flammable. Fortunately, the police released them on a, surprisingly noticed, charge of police brutality from their arresting officers. They were free to go, on an account that they do not engage in any kind of interaction with all children they meet. The downside to this was that they still had to get the coffee, and the store was twenty-eight miles away. They began their extremely long trek back to the store, avoiding any strangers or distractions. Unfortunately some of these did not want to avoid them. One in particular was a bum who kept asking them for change for five miles, followed by a mugger who was then chased away by stray dogs, dropping their no longer stolen wallet, a counter fit watch salesmen, who sold them a watch for twenty cents, and were harassed by a gang of old ladies with rolling pins, who left soon after simply for the fact the duo chose not to acknowledge their existence, and on top of all that, it was raining. They soon arrived at the store once again, the rain finally stopping. Night had fallen and they were extremely tired. They entered the store in time in order to grab a can of coffee beans and headed for the checkout counter.<p>

The clerk smiled at the two. "Hey there, how can I help ya?"

Mordecai nonchalantly dropped the can on the counter. "One can of coffee." He said with an extremely flat tone. He was tired, he was exhausted, he was in pain, and he was wet. But now he just may have luck this time.

The cashier checked the product and tallied its price. "That'll be a dollar and fifty cents."

Mordecai almost felt relieved. After so much pain and torment, he and his friend were finally able to buy what they wanted and leave. He was about to pull out his wallet and pay, when a masked man burst through the doors with a crowbar.

"This is a robbery! Everyone on the ground!" Everyone did as directed, except for Mordecai, who gently placed the wallet on the counter. "Hey, blue man, didn't ya hear me? I said—" He couldn't finish as Mordecai grabbed the crowbar out of his hand, tossed it, punched the robber in the face, and grabbed him by the shirt, pinning him against a wall.

"NO! YOU hear me," He yelled, all the built agony and rage finally blowing up like nuclear bomb going off. "This morning, I was tired and my boss made me go out for coffee beans at this crummy store, and ever since I came here, I couldn't find parking a space, got harassed by hippies, was forced to park my cart in a muddy ditch, was ran over by a car, had every bone in body break, was forced to hear a lecture about a penny, lost my place in line three times, was strangled, nearly choked to death, attacked by some annoying kid, his mother, and two idiot cops, was tased, arrested, nearly set on fire, followed by a bum, mugged, bought a crummy watch that doesn't even work, was beset upon by whacko old ladies, and got wet all over, ALL BECAUSE I WAS SENT TO BUY COFFEE! SO IF YOU DON"T MIND, I'M GOING TO BUY SOME COFFEEEEEE!" He drove his head straight into the robber's, causing the masked assailant to collapse. Mordecai went back to the counter, retrieved his wallet, and slammed an uncounted amount of dollar bills onto the counter. "Keep the change!" He grabbed the can and left, Rigby following after regaining himself from the awesome spectacle.

As soon as they left, the cashier came up from under the counter. The robber was dazed and was possibly suffering from a concussion. This did not stop the clerk from asking: "So…you watch Planet Chasers: Starlight Excellent?"

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><p>Rigby caught up with his feathery friend, commenting on what he did. "Dude that was amazing! That guy came in, looking all tough, but all you did was take him out quicker than—"<p>

"SHUT UP, RIGBY!" Mordecai still had a good amount of pent up rage inside of him. They made it back to their cart, which had become a nesting ground for hornets. Mordecai punched the nest right off the seats. Before anyone of them can swarm for an attack, Mordecai hissed loudly, somehow scarring the buzzing terrors off. He and Rigby entered their muddy and dirty cart, and began the trip back home.

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><p>The park employees soon fell asleep a few hours after the duo's departure, resting right in the kitchen where they waited. They were all awakened to the sound of Mordecai's brewing of the coffee the awaited so long for.<p>

"There you are," Benson yawned in a complaining tone. "What took you so long?"

Mordecai ignored his boss' complaint and handed everyone a cup of coffee. He sat down and instead of drinking out of a mug, he tossed that aside drank straight from the pot.

"Hey, you want a little mug with that pot of coffee?" Muscle Man noted Mordecai's behavior of drinking straight from the pot. He shot a very stern and angered glance at the green man, indicating that he should enjoy his coffee rather than complain.

"Uh, Mordecai," Rigby started. "You got the decaf."

Mordecai simply sat there, eyes wide and bloodshot. He soon relaxed a bit, released his grip from the pot, sat up straight and breathed in deeply. Then grabbed the pot, smashed it over his head, and the rage that used to reside within him soon turned into blatant insanity. He shot up and started to flail his body about, laughing maniacally as he banged his head on the table repeatedly, slammed a pantry door on his hand, drank the dish soap, jumped up and down on the table, stabbed his leg with a fork, and jumped out the window, running in a serpentine formation, flailing his arms about and laughing like a maniac.

Everyone in the kitchen looked outside at the mad blue jay, bewildered by his insanity. Skips was the only one to speak. "What in the world got into him?"

Rigby simply responded with: "He waited in line and bought coffee, Skips." He shook his head in amazement and repeated the line. "He waited in line and bought coffee."

**THE END**

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><p><strong>AN Well that was lenghtenly awesome.**

**I'm not exactly sure how fast an injection from an epipen can react to swelling muscles, so I don't know if the affects are immediate.**

**Also, for those who read my chapter story for Regular Show, sorry if I hadn't upload recently, I'm knida in a creative writing wreck, add that to going back to school and I have less time to write. BUT I'LL STILL WRITE.**

**Please R&R**

**-Drone person**


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